Chittlin’ Biscuits. They’re Back!

I have a question about the food items posted outside, on those fast food restaurant signs.

Fast food places are constantly coming up with  new ideas for sandwiches, shakes, and breakfast items….just to name a few.

On the sign that you can see from the road, from your car, those fast food places sometimes advertise the special of the day, manager of the week, and occasionally, a new food item.

Take for example, your favorite fast food hamburger joint, Speedy Burger. Some brain at the company, sits around for a week brainstorming,  and comes up with this new idea for a breakfast food sandwich….a grits and cheese sandwich w/mustard for example.  He calls his idea in to the BIG BOSS.  The BIG BOSS likes the idea and makes arrangements to have the sandwich posted  on all the SPEEDY BURGER signs in town as a  Promotional Food Item, or a P.F.I.

Sounds good?


The idea is to drum-up new customers. If the item becomes popular, the restaurant might add it to their permanent menu. But if it don’t sell, and nobody buys the grits and cheese sandwich w/mustard, IT’S GONE…KAPUT..DONE-AWAY-WITH, and taken down from the sign.

I got hooked on this Spanish-breakfast-omelet-biscuit one time last year, and every morning for about two weeks, I’d pull up to the drive-in window and get me one to eat at work.

One morning, I zipped into the drive through, mouth watering like a geyser..I could even smell  that cheddar cheese a-melting. Eagerly dinging the drive-through call button, I no more than got my mouth open to order, when blaring out from the speaker, some weird dude started with, “Welcome to Speedy Burger.  Would you like to try our new pancake wrapped bacon biscuit with a sausage gravy smoothie and mustard on the side, sir?”

“No,” I replied. “Give me the Spanish omelet biscuit with cheese.”

We don’t have that anymore, sir.  Can I get you something else?”

“What in-the-hell do you mean..YOU DON’T HAVE THAT ANYMORE?  That was the best thing on your frigging menu.  ARE YOU PEOPLE STUPID? I’m writing the President of Speedy Burgers a letter. They’re going to get a piece of my mind.

That really spoiled the rest of my day for me. My taste buds, tantalized by food foreplay,  would now have to hang limp and settle for something out of the sandwich machine at work.

Six months went by.  My wife had gotten me on one of those health-nut, kale shake in a cup, for my breakfast to go, in the car, kick. I could save it for work, or sip it in the fast lane. It wasn’t that bad, but after drinking a couple cups of coffee and sipping on that kale shake, I spent the majority of the morning peeing.

Wouldn’t you know it. Just as my taste buds had gotten used to being neutered by that kale shake, along comes this upheaval and disorder-in-my-life.  As I was passing SPEEDY BURGER, I saw one of the SPEEDY BURGER BOYS changing the sign out front. He was just finishing up the last letter…IT’S BACK. SPANISH OMELET BISCUIT WITH CHEESE, the sign said.

I guess the pancake wrapped bacon biscuit with a sausage gravy smoothie and mustard on the side, didn’t sell.  

I could have told you it wouldn’t.  

Why is it, we never see a sign like….CHITLIN BISCUITS.  THEY’RE BACK?


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