Shorts


My wife has always said she’s dreading the event when our small dog passes away.

“I’m not looking forward to it.”  She said.   “It’ll be a sad day”.

Always a pragmatic, deep thinking, loving husband that I am, I felt obligated to point out a possible ironic twist,  “Look at it another way, honey,”  I said.  Maybe you’ll be lucky, and go first.”


On the subject of New Year’s Resolutions…. I believe in them, with one caveat.

I always make my New Year’s Resolution something easily obtainable. That way, I avoid the inevitable depression that follows, when I inevitably fail at my goal.

My New Year’s Resolution for this year was to gain weight by drinking beer. This is the middle of May and I’ve gained four pounds.

Success!

This calls for a drink!

 


I like to go back to bed on Sunday mornings after breakfast.  I also enjoy Sunday afternoon naps.  I can’t do both…..but wait……my wife came up with a solution.

She said if I sleep later than usual on Sunday, eat breakfast in the afternoon..I can still go back to bed after breakfast, but now, my after-breakfast nap will also be my afternoon nap.

“Voila!”

” Problem solved!”

My wife’s a genius.


People ask me what I’m going to do during retirement, to which I reply.

“I’m going to use the first morning of my retirement and write my memoirs.  Then I’ll have lunch.   I don’t know what I’ll do the rest of the day….probably take a nap.”


At times, while on a road-trip, with me driving , my wife from the car’s passenger seat will point and ask.   “What’s that  over there?”

“That’s the other side of the Interstate, honey.”   I reply.  “And on the way back, we’ll see  this  side of the interstate, from the other side.”

(The rest of the trip…….you guessed it……. cold and quiet.)

 


 

I understand those DUI roadblocks.  The police are trying to keep the drunks off the street.  There’s always a “blitz” around St. Patrick’s Day,  Christmas, New Year’s, and occasionally the 4th of July.  We’re inundated with warnings, TV commercials and the like, about not drinking and driving on these holidays or “YOU’LL GET CAUGHT, and spend the night in jail.”

Why is it, there are no road blocks or DUI checkpoints on President’s Day, or Martin Luther King day?

Aren’t those days good drinking days too?

 


Those people who rob convenience stores.  You’d think they’d want to look  inconspicuous.

You’ve heard the News Stories.  Some guy just robbed a market at the corner of  “4th and Whatever”.

In the TV description of the guy they say things like, “He had tattoos on the backs of his hands and the  word MOTHER tattooed on his forehead.”

“The robber sported face jewelry consisting of a pierced nose ring, a rhinestone lip pin, one red eyebrow half-an-inch long, and a bone through the left ear.  You think we would recognize him from the description if we saw him out on the street?

“He got away on foot and was last seen duck running down the sidewalk with his pajama looking pants down around his knees.  The fugitive was last seen with the loot in his left hand and holding his pants up with the right.  He was sporting red underwear.

My favorite…”The guy had only one arm and brandished the gun in his right hand.  He was wearing a tee-shift that said LEFTY.”

 


 

I knew a guy who would constantly shop lift at the local Piggly Wiggly store.  He never took anything valuable, just a tomato or an onion, but would always get caught.

“Mike, I asked him one time.  Why do you do it?  Every week at the same store.  WHY?”

“For perversional pleasures,” he told me.”  “If I insist, Piggly Wiggly has to give me one of those FULL BODY CAVITY SEARCHES by the manager,” he said.  “She’s sweet on me,” he continued.  “We’re thinking about going out.”

I wanted to ask about the tomatoes and onions but thought better of it.

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments

  1. bing said:

    Hi there! This post couldn’t be written much better! Looking at this post reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He always kept talking about this. I most certainly will forward this article to him.
    Pretty sure he’ll have a great read. Many thanks
    for sharing!

    June 21, 2016
    Reply

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